A couple of weeks ago I took a long weekend and visited one of my favo(u)rite cities in the world, Toronto. (One should note that I’m pretty decently traveled when it comes to the United States, but when it comes to any place in existence beyond that, I’m not. So, saying that Toronto is my favorite city might be a stretch to those who have been to other more exotic cities around the globe. Although, I’m pretty sure that if I were to travel the world, Toronto still might make the top ten.) I’ve been reluctant to write about it, or even talk about it more than saying “WOO HAD AN AWESOME TIME IN TORONTO!! OF COURSE!” because it’s kind of hit a sore spot with me recently. No, it’s not because my Amurrikkkan dollars are not worth what they used to be… it’s just that I’ve found that I’ve connected and fallen in love with a city that is very far away from my life here in New Haven. (My life being my work and my family and the few friends that I do have).
I’m not really good with long distance relationships. I’m not good with relationships at all, but long distance relationships are especially difficult and heartbreaking — and OF COURSE I’m not speaking from experience, why do you ask?
New Haven is my steady boyfriend. We’ve been going strong for almost two years. Nothing has really changed about our relationship. It’s stronger than ever. I’m still continuing to find new things out about it, though, so it never really grows stale. New Haven is comfortable, it’s close to everything I’m familiar with, and I think that I fit in relatively well and might even belong here but there’s something lacking. It’s not something to do. I don’t get bored. There are places to go. I think it’s just lacking that *vibe*. Yes, we’re venturing into hippie-speak now. I don’t get that vibe from New Haven. It’s wonderful, it’s everything I need… but that’s not enough.
Enter New York City. I have the occasional affair with this city. There’s a vibe going, at some times it’s stronger than others, but there’s definitely something there that calls out “This should be Kristy’s home”, and perhaps I will live there for a while when I get my finances together (I don’t know if you know this or not, but it’s fucking expensive to live there) and maybe I will love it (I know I will) but I don’t see myself there for the long haul. I think after a while it would take it’s toll. And that toll is pretty heavy. All in all, I just don’t see a future.
Not that I can SEE the future… just some stupid daydream that comes to me every so often when my mind is slipping away from my work or while I’m taking a walk around somewhere… but I visit this place in my mind where I feel that vibe and sense of belonging and all that other hippie stuff and that place is in Toronto. Maybe it’s just the Toronto of my mind! I don’t know! I think it’s fucking strange that I’ve had some connection with Canadian culture for my entire life… and I know that’s not really hard to do living in the states… but there’s something different in Canada that I can’t quite put my finger on. Something positive. Maybe it has to do with lifestyle? I’m not sure. There is something familiar about Toronto and at the same time something fascinating and exotic and you’re probably laughing at me right now, but that’s what I feel like. And I was sad when I had to leave. Like, an intense sad you get when you’re going to leave your boyfriend and you know you’re not going to see him for a long time. And you love that boyfriend.
It’s pretty ridiculous, yes? But I love that I can love a city like that.
I spoke to a friend, when I visited Toronto. We were at the Horseshoe Tavern, discussing the differences between Americans and Canadians and just the differences between the states and Canada and he asked, “When you get here, don’t you just go *sigh*?” (He doesn’t actually say the word, but rather, sighs.) And that was just it. Although he didn’t really have words for what I didn’t have words for either, it was SOMETHING. A step in the right direction, anyway.
So, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know when the next time I visit will be. I get sad thinking about it when Canadians sing about their home towns (even if it’s not Toronto) and I listen to a lot of Canadian music, so I am by now, a wreck.
I could tell you about my trip, but all it would really be is talking about walking around — I did a LOT of that, and eating good food, and hearing good music and just generally feeling good and glad that I was in my *spot*. I don’t know if I should keep it far like a distant lover or if I should make it my steady boyfriend or what. Not really looking for advice about it, although it wouldn’t be dismissed. I’m just getting things out and making a fool out of myself by posting on my blog. YAY